Three of the most prominent intellectuals in Bangkok were recently discussing the US presidential candidates. Their eloquence fuelled by soothing draughts of fermented brew, I joined the conversation with Tex and Bubba Hogwaller and a new arrival on the scene, Shagwench McSlyme:

Bubba: Shag. Got a question for ya.  How'd you ever get an awful name like Shagwench?

Shag: Mah daddy was a retard.  He wanted somethin' that sounded classy.  Thought it went well with our family name.  Messed up mah love life from an early age. As soon as women hear mah name, they won't go near me.

Tex: So who's yer favourite candidate, Shag?

Shag: I liked the little guy, but he dropped out. What was his name? Kucinich.

Bubba: Americans would never have elected Kucinich. He's too short.

Shag: Well, shoot, Hillary and Obama are front-runners, and she's a woman and he's black.

Tex: We'll have a woman president and a black president before we ever have a short one.

Me: Obama is not black. He's half black and half white. That makes him mixed.  And the whole country is mixed, so he's the ideal candidate.

Shag: Ah'd never vote for Obama. His middle name is Hussein, his last name sounds like Osama, and he's a closet Islamic terrorist.

Tex: What does his first name mean, anyway? Barack.  Sounds like a Bronx cheer.

Bubba (swigging his beer): It's supposed to be Barracks. His daddy was a soldier, only he couldn't spell.

Me: You guys have been reading the baloney on the Internet. Barak is Arabic. The Hebrew equivalent is Baruch. It means "blessed".  Obama isn't a Muslim.  And if you won't vote for somebody just because you don't like his name, Shag, how many votes do you think you'd get, with your name?

Shag: Only mine and mah daddy's. Even mah momma don't like it.

Tex: Ah like John McCain. He was real good in the "Die Hard" movies.

Me: That was John McClane, not John McCain. Played by Bruce Willis. Don't confuse the two of them.

Bubba: Well, ah'd vote fer McCain, just to keep Hillary out of the White House.

Me:  Now, what's everybody got against Hillary?

Tex:  She's a woman. She'll want to dress the troops up in pink pinafores.

Bubba: The guy ah really liked was Huckabee. He's dropped out now, but you cain't do better than have a preacher for president.

Me: Huckabee wants to bring America back to the Bible.

Bubba: Well, what's wrong with that?

Me: Nothing, if you don't mind melting the Statue of Liberty down for scrap metal.

All: Whut?

Me: Read your Bible, boys.  "Thou shalt not make any graven image."  The Statue of Liberty is a graven image.  So are the faces on Mount Rushmore and all our coins and currency.  If the country is serious about going back to the Bible, all of those have got to go. We'll also have to stone adulterers, and if your son rebels against you, you'll have to stone him, too.

Bubba: Y'know, ah've always wanted t' do that.  His momma wouldn't like it, though.

Tex: Maybe we could go back to the Bible selectively.  Get rid of all that "turn the other cheek" and "love yer enemies" business, an' stone everybody who steps outta line.

Me: It's always inspiring to hear true piety being injected into American political discourse.

By  S Tsow

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